I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
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