I have demons in me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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