someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
