So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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