I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
