I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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