You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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