the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
