He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
