Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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