I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
