When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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