why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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