I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
