you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
