the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
