I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
