If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This is my gift to your gina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
