did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
