New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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