i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
