i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
