Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
time to smoke my breakfast
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
