dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
