guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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