So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
