Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
