Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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