Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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