i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
