why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't deserve a penis
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
