I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
