if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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