What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
