I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
