I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm always down for nudity.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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