I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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