he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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