I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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