if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Small penises have feelings too.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
