apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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