Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
