At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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