So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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