ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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