you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
