Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i love accidental penises.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
