Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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