i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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