When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
